How to Ruin Your Life as a Foreigner in Taiwan in 15 Simple Steps 外國人在臺灣破壞自己生活的15個簡單方法

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Foreword: Never do any of the following. This list is simply ironic and satirical, and should in no way be taken literally. Any resemblance to real life people or situations in the satire described below (except number two) are purely coincidental.
序言：不要做以下任何事情。這字額建議存粹只是爲了諷，完全不能當成真。如果以下描述的諷刺（除了第二以外）有像真實生活的任何人或情況，這不是故意而是巧合。

1. Never Leave Taipei 永遠不要離開臺北

​Every expat knows there is no electricity outside of New Taipei, so don’t even try to go anywhere else. Also, with no MRT, how are you supposed to get around? You might be ambushed by hostile natives on an un-kept jungle path. Besides, all those nature sites don’t have a 7-11 on the trail, so you’ll probably starve to death if the natives don’t kill you first. Just stay in the Taipei expat bubble and never leave. The south is full of dirt, crime, pollution, and everything you hate. All the teaching jobs and higher salaries are in Taipei, so just stay there. Also, it’s too hard to leave during the holidays because of traffic, so just stay in Taipei on your days off. After all, Taiwan actually only means Taipei. You don’t need to take part in the good weather, open spaces, sandy beaches, beautiful scenery, and local delicacies down south. There’s probably something similar around Taipei anyway.
每一位外籍人士知道臺北以南的地區都沒有電，所以不用去。另外，沒有捷運，你要怎麽行動？你走在荒郊野外的步道上可能會被森林裏面的野蠻人攻擊。還有，那些步道上大自然的景點一個都沒有7-11，所以你被野蠻人殺死之前很有可能會餓死。你好好留在臺北的外國人泡泡裏面吧。南部充滿泥土，罪行，污染，和所有你討厭的東西。臺北有所有英文教學跟高新的工作機會，所以留在那裏就好。另外，放連假交通一定很塞，所以放假留在臺北就好。畢竟臺灣的意思就是臺北。你不需要參與南部的好天氣，大的空間，沙灘，美景，和美食。臺北附近應該也有類似的東西。

2. Get a Taiwan Independence Tattoo on Your Head 在頭上刺青“臺獨”
If you don’t know what I’m talking about, check out this article: http://www.taipeitimes.com/News/taiwan/archives/2017/10/23/2003680896
如果你不知道我在講什麽，請看這個文章。

3. Never Learn Chinese 永遠不要學中文

You can’t expect to get your life ruined if you go around learning Chinese. You need to keep your mother tongue locked in a box so that it is not corrupted by the strange Chinese language. You don’t need to talk to your neighbors, make friends, or talk to your Taiwanese in-laws. Street signs are overrated anyway. Anything that is not translated into your mother tongue should be reported to the government and translated immediately, and it is your right as a privileged foreigner to point out those bad translations. The only job you hope to get involves teaching English, so learning anything else is just a waste of time. Chinese is a giant wall that you will never climb up, so just let it fall on top of your feeble body.
如果你學中文，你就不能期望你的生活會被破壞。你必須把你的母語鎖在箱子裏面，不能被奇怪的中國語言污染到。你不需要跟你的鄰居，朋友，或配偶的家人交談。路牌也不用看得懂。任何一個沒有你祖國的英文翻譯的東西應該被你檢舉，讓政府機關馬上翻譯好，這是你外國人的特權和權力。你永遠只會教英文，所以學其他語言就是浪費時間。中文是你爬不上的巨大城墻，所以讓它破碎你的脆弱身體吧。

4. Pretend You Know Chinese, Even Though You Don’t 雖然你不會中文，假裝你會

Nothing will make you seem smarter to other expats and Taiwanese people if they think you know Chinese. If they ever speak to you in Chinese, smile and nod, and reply in English. If they ask why you don’t reply in Chinese, answer by stating that you don’t want to brag about your Chinese skills. If you are in a restaurant and the waiter/waitress gives you an English menu, throw it back in their face while praising your own Chinese ability. Then correct all the bad English grammar on the menu, which should give you an idea of what to order. If you see an expat conversing in Chinese, don’t hesitate to say that they are using incorrect Chinese grammar. No explanation is needed because criticizing others will automatically make you look better than them. Which leads to the next point…
其他外國人和臺灣人最能佩服的一件事情就是你會説中文。如果他們跟你講中文，笑一笑，然後用英文回答。如果他們問“你爲什麽沒有用中文回答”你就説是爲了不要自誇。如果在餐廳服務員給你英文菜單，馬上把它丟回他們臉上，順便講你的中文有多好。然後糾正菜單上所有的英文文法錯誤，這樣你可以知道要點什麽菜。如果你看到其他外國人用中文聊天，馬上過去跟他講他的中文文法是錯誤的。不用解釋，因爲批評別人會讓你看起來比他們好，這就引領我們到下一個話題…

5. Put Others Down to Make Yourself Look Good 批評別人來讓你自己看起老更好

Nothing will make you look more like an expert than making fun of amateurs. Go ahead and buy a few thousand fake follower bots on your social media so that you can make fun of those amateurs and their lack of followers. Even if the amateurs have accomplished more than you, and happen to be more talented, motivated, and passionate, it’s important to shove them down. Once you do this, their achievements suddenly become yours, and you can gloat in all your fake accomplishments.
取笑菜鳥是讓你看起來像專家的最好方式。就算那些菜鳥比你還有成就,才華，動力，和熱誠，把他們推下去很重要。當你這麽做，他們的成就會變成你的成就，然後你可以好好享受你的假武功。

6. Drink All Night…And All Day 整夜喝酒…整天也喝酒

Drinking helps you forget about those childhood memories, past marriages, girlfriends/boyfriends, or former jobs that are haunting you. The more you drink the more closer you will be forgetting about your ruined life, until you wake up in the morning and remember it again. To solve this problem, keep drinking all day.
喝酒會幫助你忘記你的童年，過去的婚姻，男女朋友，工作，或其他死灰復燃的記憶。你喝越多就會越忘記你的破壞的生活，直到隔一天醒來的時候。來解決這個問題，繼續整天喝酒。

7. Take Personal Responsibility for the Grammar Mistakes of Everyone in the Entire World 承擔全世界的文法錯誤 

People have been correcting your grammar all your life; now its time to return the favor on the world. If you’ve been teaching English for your entire adult life, this is an easy task. It’s all the more fun to alienate yourself from other expats by correcting their English. It doesn’t matter if you are right or not, because only the English from your home country is the correct form of English. It is your personal duty to purge the earth of all English that does not conform to your standards, no expat can be spared.
你的一生很多人都有糾正你的文法，所以現在是時候報仇全世界。如果你的成年都是在教英文的話，這個任務很簡單。糾正他人的英文來把你自己跟其他外國人隔絕其實更好玩。你的糾正不對沒關係，因爲只有你的祖國的英文才是真正的英文。把地球上所有不符合標準的英文消除就是你的個人的責任，任何一個外國人都不能繞過。

8. Don’t Make a Crappy Blog/Vlog 不要做一個很爛的部落格或主播

Making a crappy blog is easy, but it is too constructive of an activity. Just don’t make it to begin with. If you absolutely have to make a blog/vlog, make sure it only has one or two posts or videos that are a few years old, and never get into a routine of making regular posts. This will give you too much sense of accomplishment and self-confidence. You need to procrastinate every creative thought you have until your death bed.
做出一個很爛的部落格很簡單，但是是太有建設性的行爲。先不要做。你若你真的真的必須做的話，只要做一兩個PO文，然後放一兩年不要動，千千萬萬不要經常PO文，這會給你太有成就和自信。你必須拖延所有創意的想法直到彌留之際。

9. Complain About How Taiwan is Worse Than Your Country 抱怨臺灣比你國家爛

Nothing will help you slip into the pits of despair faster than comparing every flaw and strange thing to your home country and complain about how things are so gross, weird, unsafe, and stupid. Never try to put yourself in the shoes of a Taiwanese person. Chopsticks, Chinese characters, and stinky tofu are all just an excuse to alienate foreigners, and so is everything else. You need to complain about everything and make sure everyone knows how things are run in your glorious mother country.
讓你感到很悲傷的好方法就是跟你母國比較臺灣的所有缺點，然後抱怨所有惡心，奇怪，危險，和愚昧的事情。不要站在臺灣人的角度。筷子，中文字，和臭豆腐等都是爲了隔絕外國人而製造的東西。你必須爲了每一件事情抱怨和確定大家都曉得你母國的事。

10. Take Offense to Everything 被所有的事情得罪

This goes without saying. The moment you accept you are wrong the same moment you might learn something, and that’s exactly what you’re trying to avoid. If someone tries to start a constructive conversation, respond with an attack on their world view and stereotype them as your enemy. Also, attack their grammar whenever possible. You want to keep your whiny expat bubble as fresh and clean as possible. You can’t let any of those people affiliated with the opposite political bubble invade your news feed without a fight. It is your duty to assume everyone is out to get you and you must assume guilt before innocence. This way you can spend most of your time angrily spatting on your social media instead of engaging in constructive conversation that you might be enlightened from.
這其實不用說。你接受你的錯誤就是你可以學到東西的時機，所以你要盡量避免這個情況。如果另外一個人要跟你有建設性的對話，馬上攻擊他們對世界的看法和定型他們為你的敵人。另外，隨機攻擊他們的文法。你要保持一個很乾淨的抱怨泡泡世界。你不能讓有其他想法的人進入你的動態上，除非你攻擊他們。你必須猜測大家都要害你，大家先有罪，后無辜。這樣的話，你可以花大部分的時間在社交媒體吵架，也不用去進行啓發性和有建設性的對話。

11. Troll Other Expats Online for Fun 當別的外國人的酸民 

Never lose any online arguments with other expats. You are the ultimate expert on this country, and no one can tell you otherwise no matter how long they've lived here. Fight those happy, go lucky expats to the death, because Taiwan is full of unsolvable problems. After you are blocked, make fake accounts and keep the attack going behind their back. After this, make fake parody accounts of your enemy. This will not only make you more miserable but also make everyone watching roll their eyes and eventually unfollow you. That’s okay, because the ultimate goal is isolation and misery. You want to try to create an expat bubble in your social media where your only friends are other whiny expats.
任何網路上的討論你不能輸。死戰。你被封鎖之後，製造一些假號和在你仇敵的背後批評他們。以後，做一些仿諷的賬號來取笑你的敵人。這不僅會讓你很憂鬱，也會讓所有旁觀者翻白眼和取消跟隨你。這是好事，因爲你最終的目的是孤立和悲哀。你要在你的社交媒體裏製造一個只有你和其他愛抱怨的外國人的泡泡。

12. Make enemies wherever you go 到處變成大家的敵人

You’re never going to be truly miserable unless you make enemies and burn bridges, not just a few bridges, but every bridge you can find. In order to complete this goal, you must deny any criticism and fight back with more criticism and even some lawsuits. It doesn’t matter if the lawsuits have any merit, you just need to make the other side scared and paranoid. Never compliment anyone, and never admit a mistake. Make sure you throw the words please, thank you, sorry, and I forgive you out the window. Those will not help you achieve the goal of becoming miserable. Oh, and go ahead and lie, cheat, steal, get in fights, and otherwise break the law. You do not want the Taiwanese authorities to have a good impression of foreigners. If you do enough bad stuff you might just get yourself sent away to another foreign country, and you can start the cycle all over again!
你不能達到真正悲慘的情況除非你變成大家的敵人和盡可能失去機會。來完成這個任務，你必須否認任何的評論，攻擊對方，和告對方。就算你的訴訟沒有任何實際基礎，還是要告一下來嚇到對方。千萬不要稱贊別人，也不要承認錯誤。把“請”“謝謝”“對不起”和“我原諒你”這些詞匯丟進垃圾桶。這些詞不會幫你達成悲慘的目標。另外，盡量書荒，作弊，偷東西，打架，和犯罪。你不要讓臺灣政府對外國人有好的印象。如果你做出足夠多的壞事，你很可能會很所有其他外國人送回母國。

13. Complain About Air Quality 抱怨空氣污染

If you see smoke coming out of a bus or scooter, don’t just stand there, complain about it! It is your foreign privilege to breath clean air. The entire island of Taiwan is an air quality nightmare, and you are the only savior. Through your constant efforts of complaining about the air quality, the government will listen to your non-voting voice and do something about it eventually. In the meantime, you need to complain as hard and as loud as you can. Do not try to comfort yourself by saying that the air quality is much better here than in China or the western United States. You need to make a case that the air quality in Taiwan is the worst in the entire world.
如果你看到公車排氣污染，不要傻傻站在那裏，趕快抱怨！呼吸乾净的空氣是你外國人的特權。全島都是空氣污染的惡夢，你是唯一救贖者。透過你不懈努力抱怨空氣，臺灣政府早晚會聽到你沒有投票權利的聲音，然後有一天采取行動吧。到那時候，你必須盡力大聲抱怨。不要安慰自己說臺灣的空氣污染比中國跟美國西部好。你必須主張臺灣有全世界最嚴重的空氣污染。

14. Complain About…Everything 抱怨…一切

You’re not going to get far as a miserable expat without complaining. Don’t let other expats’ “love of Taiwan” cloud your mind from the ultimate goal of complete misery. There’s nothing to be grateful for as an expat. Taiwan sucks, it all sucks, and you’re stuck here. Complaining will help you continue on your downward spiral of isolation and sadness. Keeping shoveling fresh heaps of angry fuel to keep the complain train chugging at full speed!
當一個悲慘的外國人的時候需要一直不斷的抱怨一切。不要讓別的外國人對臺灣的熱愛分心這個完全悲慘的目標。儅一個外國人沒有什麽好感激的。臺灣就是爛，什麽都很爛，然後你不能離開這裏。抱怨會幫助你繼續下去在難過跟孤立的惡性循環上。繼續挖生氣的火柴來讓這個憤怒的火車繼續高速的行駛!

15. Watch the World Burn 看著世界燃燒

Now that you’ve mastered the above list, just sit back and watch the world burn. You’ve created a giant crap hole that you live on and feast on daily. You must spend your days drinking, yelling, complaining, fighting, and getting offended all day every day in real life and on social media. Don’t even think about doing something constructive like planting trees or helping out at an orphanage or something. Needy people out there don’t actually exist and your community doesn’t deserve any help that you could give. And don’t even think about trying to understand Taiwanese culture or languages. The country you grew up in is the only proper culture in this universe, so there is no need to learn anything about anywhere else. You don’t need to connect with other people anyway, and it’s your privilege to sulk in your own self-pity and lonesomeness.
你完成上面的建議時，就可以放鬆看著你的世界燃燒。你已經建立了一個巨大的糞便洞，並住在裏面。你必須每天喝酒，尖叫，抱怨，打架和被得罪（特別在社交媒體上）來過日子。別想做任何建設性的動作，例如種樹或幫助孤兒院。需要幫助的人不存在，而且社會不值得你的貢獻。不要學臺灣的文化或語言，因爲世上只有你的祖國才是真正的文化。反正你不用跟你別人接觸。難過地想著你的自卑和孤立是你的特權。

On a serious note, now that you know what not to do as an expat, go out there and do the opposite. Stop trying to tear everyone down, and go make Taiwan and the world a better place!
For some background on why Expats act this way, you can check out this blog at Nihaositgoing.
嚴肅來説，不要做任何上面的事情，做相反的。不要拉下別人，要讓臺灣和地球變得更好！

Please like, comment, and follow to see more of our blogs in the future!
請按讚，留言，和追蹤來看更多我們的PO文！

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